l have always put kindness and concern for others first. It’s almost so ingrained in me to sacrifice myself in whatever way necessary to make others (those I love or perfect strangers alike) comfortable. Making space for their opinions and emotions over my own. Is that kind?
I think about that quote that I was shouted to us all through the counseling psychology graduate program I attended at a social justice-focused school: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” -Ghandi (there is some debate on the origin of this quote).
Am I being the change by being self-sacrificingly kind? I thought so. Until I learned otherwise. You know how they say challenges bring lessons, well this was one of those challenges that wedges itself in your stream of living like that big barge that got stuck in the Panama Canal.
It was undeniable. Everything lurched and jammed up in halting chaos. It was a deafeningly loud screech from life to knock that shit off and communicate my authentic self. So integrity in my being became the new building block. I cleaned up what I wanted from the gooey rubble of what was before and am currently trying to re-configure what goes where and how to be me.
The trick here is, I am not sure what is me and what is the me I needed to be for people or situations in my life. I am literally Marie Kondo-ing my thoughts and opinions. That’s ok! I believe I can do this, I look forward to opportunities to correct my old habits, when instead of nodding along “mhmm”-ing a person I can stop and say “I’m sorry, I don’t actually understand/agree/know what you are saying.” It’s scary but exciting, what an opportunity to really learn what another person’s perspective is while remaining genuinely in my own. That’s the me I want to be.
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Tell me what you want to be! How has the double-edged sword of kindness stung you? How do you hold yourself accountable for being authentically you in your life?
Brilliantly Bee 